An open letter to the people at the dog park

Hello you evil hearted bastards,

Let this memo put you on notice. Your time is coming. Consistently, you disregard the signs that say you must keep your dog on the leash. You always look shocked when your dog comes galloping over and tries to sniff my dogs ass. The horror on your face is priceless when FRED goes for the attack. Granted, he is just playing, but that is about to change.

But then, you act like i'm the one at fault? Put your dog on the leash, stupid. Just so you know, if your dog gets attacked and it isn't on a leash, it's your fault. I know this from the People's Court.

So guess what? I'm training Fred. I'm training him to attack any dog that enters his personal space. I'm feeding him raw eggs and rusty nails and I've purchased a manual on teaching your a to attack.

It's on like Donkey Kong.

After Fred beats up your dog, I'm probably going to beat you up as well.

Just because.

Now go fill my propane, 'tupid.

Training hijinks

I bought a shock collar for fred. It makes a beep, then zaps his little ass. He was too jumpy when I had people over, so I needed to fix the problem.

It has worked wonders...I can have people over and he now behaves. In fact, I beep him quite often.

I was cooking tonight and it got a little smoky. The fire alarm started going off. This was the first time in my life when I saw a look of terror on a dogs face. He must have associated the fire alarm beep with his shock beep. He immediately dropped to the ground, laid flat, and let out a long yelp. Then he sprinted to the bedroom.

It was both sad and hilarous, all wrapped up in one sandwich.

this was

the first new years eve where i dined on collored greens, chicken necks, and black eyed peas.