Once upon a time I lived on a mattress on the floor of my brother's apartment. I awoke on a sleepy Sunday and boredom immediately set in. "Let's go get a dog!", I gleefully exclaimed. Luckily there was a trailer court nearby. You can always find free animals there We brought home our new hound but were quite disappointed. All he did was sleep. He was no fun and had abnormally large testicles. People told us to give him worm medicine, so we did. Then he shat 8000 worms. Things were never the same after that.

He immediately became hyper and ate everything. He chewed through electrical cords (while they were still plugged in), and ate the linoleum tiles. He was a very bad dog. We were forced to take measures.

First we tried giving him the Lex Luger torture rack. This didn't work, he just got mad and bit us repeatedly.

We had no choice but to give him pile drivers. Many of them. To our dismay we discovered that our canine has no central nervous system. You see, he feels no pain. So not only did we get a bad dog, but by giving him professional wrestling finishing manuevers early in life we sat ourselves up for years of torment.


I found a shoebox full of old pictures and there are indeed some gems. I will be sprinkling these in now and again as I see fit.