Dear Wal - Mart,

Dear Wal - Mart,

Let this letter serve as notice that I will never ever ever step foot into one of your stores again. I recently visited one of your "super" centers. My shopping listed consisted of 1 item with a total retail cost of about four dollars and seventy eight cents. After entering the store, explicitly not making eye contact with the greeter, I immediately found my item and proceeded to the check out zone. Thus far, my Wal Mart experience has not been profoundly awful, but rest assured dear friends, this is where things take a turn for the worst.

I quickly scan the check out area looking for a combination of short lines, intelligent looking customers, and capable checker outers. Although you have approximately 96 check out aisles, only 7 were open. Of these 7 all were your new self - checkout lanes. Now let me first make this point. The average Wal-Mart shopper is never going to be known for their technological savvy and intellectual prowress. That being said, lets move on.

Each of the lanes were running about 12 deep in the customer total. "Geesh", I think to myself. With no favorable lines in site, I slowly move into the heard. As I investigate the cart of the woman in front me, I immediately realize I am screwed. She has no less than 97 items, mostly consisting of spools of thread, greeting cards, and fabric. There is no security in site to enforce the 10 item or less rule.

Thread lady begins to scan her items. At least she tries, she wiggles thread over the scan zone with no result. What does she do? Call a wal mart aide? No, she just throws the spool into the bag. "Okay", I think to myself, "at least she is adaptable". Move on to spool number two. Same result. Obviously there is something amiss with the thread, so she decides to attack the greeting cards.

Evidently someone tampered with them as well. 6 minutes of my life are gone, and I cannot get them back. (all for a 4 dollar and seventy eight cent item). The man behind me (also with one item) tweaked at this point. He radioed wal mart control for backup. The capable overseer came, scanned two items, and then promptly disappeared. Thread lady then resumed her quest for check out bliss. Again, she in capable of scanner her items.

At this point I gave up on check out lane #37. No intelligent life here. I quickly walked nearly a half mile to the next available lane. I think it was in the high teens, but at this point my fury overshadows my memory.

This line seemed to move quickly. "Ah, sweet relief!", I think to myself. I am nearing home plate and all that stands between me is a man, his wife, and an approximately 8 year old child. As they begin to check out, the man hands the item to the child. "Dear god, don't let the child scan!!". Guess what. They did. This child scanned every item, and NO he wasn't good at it.

After approx 24 minutes in lines to check out one 4 dollar and 78 cent item my wal mart experience is drawing to a close.

As I left the store i glanced back to aisle #37. Thread lady was still going strong.

The moral of this story? Listen up wal mart. Here are my demands.

1) I don't care about low prices. I know it is just a ploy to make the masses buy more cheap shit. I will gladly pay more to not be inconvenienced.

2) I don't want self check out lanes. Although you save the 7 bucks an hour you would normally pay a checker outer, you piss of your customer base. The masses are generally stupid, they should not have the option to check themselves out. If something goes wrong they just blankly stare at the screen. That is demeaning for anyone.

3) IF you do insist on self check out lanes, please install dumb-dumb detectors which will sound an alert and prompt Wal Mart security to remove the offender to a non self check lane.


Sincerely,
R. Loehr